Happy Birthday

to ME!!!!!

This is a short story about Annita taking me out for my birthday

P.S.  This version of the story is rated G (she won't let me tell you the WHOLE story)

Annita had been planning on taking me to Garden City for a movie on my birthday.  It has always been a tradition to visit Applebee's for supper on our trips to "the BIG city."  I used to load Pepsi trucks with the manager (Tony) back in '85 or '86.  Nita and I had always joked about how embarrassing it would be to have them sing Happy Birthday to you, and we had made a truce about not having them sing for each other.

She picked me up Sunday, November 24th at noon (I had played D&D the night before until about 3:30 or so in the morning).  She decided to drive on the way up so that I would have to drive on the way home.  I have to tell you how good she looked when she picked me up. Absolutely stunning!!!!!

She had called me a couple of days before to find out what movie we would be going to see.  I remember her wanting to go see "The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" and was wanting a type of revenge (she even sent me an Instant Message on MSN saying that "Ya Ya Sisterhood was playing," to which I replied "Na Na").  The first thing that popped into my head was an action male chauvinist pig movie:  007's To Die Another Day.  I told her that I would like to see that movie.  She promptly took the wind out of my sails by saying "I like James Bond movies."

We made it to Garden with an hour to kill before the movie started.   We decided to visit Hastings.  I usually lose a hundred dollar bill every time I walk in that place, but my resistance was high and I only spent about $20 on two previously viewed (rental) movies:  National Lampoon's Van Wilder and The New Guy.   I had mentioned to Annita that I hadn't had breakfast (or lunch) on the trip to Garden, but she was unconcerned about my nutritional needs as she had already eaten breakfast AND lunch.  Once at the theater, I decided to buy a small popcorn and a medium soda (which cost me more than the two DVD's!!!!!).  I had asked Nita if she wanted anything, and she declined.  That didn't stop her from eating half my popcorn and drinking 3/4's of my soda though.  We had plenty of time to talk, as the movie was about 20 minutes late getting started.  Apparently the manager hadn't looked to see how long the movie was and had started the second viewing 15 minutes before the first viewing ended.  Maybe he should go to work for Enron!!!!

The movie was pretty much your run of the mill James Bond movie.  The peak of the film is when Halle Barry's character is first shown.  She comes up out of the water in a two-piece bikini.  Annita had to help me pick my tongue up off the floor (you DON'T want to know what the floor of a theater tastes like) when Halle appeared.

After the movie, I was driving out towards Applebee's when Annita asked me the time.  It was 4:30.  She wanted to go to Wal-Mart first.  I had visions of spending 2 hours at Wal-Mart and making it back to Applebee's and having to wait in line standing outside in the 25 degree weather with a 50 mph wind.  I firmly stood my ground and went to Wal-Mart first.

As we walked in and she grabbed her shopping cart I told her I would be in electronics.  I wandered around and found an old movie called "Hackers" that was one of Angelina Jolie's first movies (plus it's an EXTREMELY far-fetched story about computers) so I bought it along with Bad Company with Anthony Hopkins and Chris Rock.  I also bought Bon Jovi's newest album Bounce.  Guess how long that took.....Needless to say, I patiently tapped my foot and scratched my ass until Annita showed up about 45 minutes after we walked in the store.  Her shopping cart had maybe 15 items in it.  I didn't think it should have taken that long, but I didn't question anything.  I hadn't begun to put two and two together yet.

We drove across the highway to Applebee's and walked in the door right behind a woman and her son.  I stopped in line and Annita walked right on through towards the bar (she's a woman after my heart) and began looking around the restaurant.   I assumed she was looking to see if Tony was working.  The lady that arranged the seating pointed down a side aisle and wanted to know if the woman in front of me was sitting with those people.  I turned and glanced that way seeing a blonde waving her hand and someone crouched down in the booth waving a menu.  I turned back and heard the woman say that she didn't know them.  Annita motioned for me to follow, and down the aisle we went.  I took another look and recognized my friend Toby's wife Susan.  The person crouched down in the booth was Toby.   They were in the corner booth with 8 menus in front of them.  My first reaction was that he had family coming to eat there with them.  Annita began crawling around the seats in the booth to join them.  I still hadn't put two and two together.   I REALLY must be naive.  Toby and I were chatting about Halle Barry's lung capacity and other important stuff when I heard Susan say something about Chris and Chris were coming too.  Christine is my oldest sister, and Christopher is my brother-in-law and an old classmate.  It finally hit me what was going on.  Annita had planned a birthday party for me at Applebee's with some friends.  I began crawling my way around to where she was seated and threatened her with bodily harm if the employees of Applebee's came out and sang Happy Birthday to me.  She gave me her best innocent look and assured me that it would NOT happen.

I ordered a Bud Light Brewtus and began laughing and joking.  Susan said that Topher (the male Chris) had just jumped in the shower a little before we showed up and they would be there as soon as possible.  I looked at Annita and asked her how long she had pushed the shopping cart around in circles at Wal-Mart before she made it to electronics.  As my nephew Brant says "I'm a little slow...."  I was finally beginning to realize how devious my girlfriend was. 

Tine (the female Chris) and Topher called and said they were halfway to Garden and were running 93 mph.  We ordered and inhaled an appetizer platter and chatted for another 15 or 20 minutes and kept expecting to see a set of headlights followed closely by the red and blue flashing lights of a highway patrolman.  They walked in after making the 54 mile trip with one stop sign and a right hand corner in 40 minutes.  Any highway patrolmen reading this can e-mail me for more information on the two outlaws.

They ordered drinks and then we all ordered meals.  Annita heard more torture stories of my youth, about how mean my two older sisters were to me.  Shortly after our meals arrived, I heard clapping coming from the back of the restaurant.   This signals the waiters and waitresses coming out to sing Happy Birthday.  I involuntarily flinched, expecting the worst.  To my delight, they came out from the back, and made a right turn heading for the opposite side of the restaurant.  I turned and looked at Annita.  "What?" she asked, as innocent as ever.   "I would NEVER dream of doing that to you."  I should have bailed when I had the chance.  We were almost through eating when the clapping resumed.   My sphincter snapped shut.  Fortunately, they again made a right turn and headed across the restaurant.  I turned again to Annita.  "What?" she asked, polishing her halo.  It must have been the 3 Brewtus's that had dulled my senses at this point.  I should have been out of that place.  We had finished our meals and had ordered another round of drinks when the applause started again.   This time, they didn't make a right turn and head across the restaurant.  The group, with Tony at the lead, headed straight for our table.  They began to serenade your hero, praising his glory.  The whole time I'm planning my revenge.  They also brought out a mug of ice cream with a cherry on top.  After the popcorn, the appetizer plate, and the Bourbon Street steak with garlic mashed potatoes, I didn't have room for it.   Fortunately, my friend Toby helped me out.

As humiliating as the singing was, this was by far the best birthday party I've had since my friend Topher and the guys took me to Great Bend to the strippers.  It's just too bad that Dee retired (and she wasn't named properly.....Her name should have been "Double-Dee").  The best part was when she took me home and spanked me like a four year old at K-Mart.  It was disappointing that she didn't break out the riding crop, but I think she's saving that for her birthday.

During the drive back home, Annita told me that we couldn't even drive by Applebee's during the months of January, February, and March.  Stay tuned late in February for the story of Annita's birthday party at Applebee's.

P.S.  I boycotted the Foreman Appreciation dinner at the feedlot on my birthday (November 26th, mark it on your calendar and send presents) to travel to Scott City with my dad and "The Missing Lingg" for chicken tacos, but they were out of chicken.  As soon as we placed our order, Lingg asked the waitress if they sang Happy Birthday to customers.  I tried to tell them that it wasn't my birthday, but they sang anyway.  I'll tell you what.....With friends like this, who needs enemas???    I meant "enemies."  My bad......